brideofthesun:

I’m really disturbed to find out that someone’s blog I followed for a rly long time is actually an unaccountable abuser?

Grrlyman consistently calls out rapists loudly and unapologetically. This is always something I liked about her/her blog. To find out she has been doing this all while her and the people she associates with knew that she was a rapist is disturbing. You don’t get to go on and on about killing rapists while being an unaccountable rapist. You got multiple clear “no’s” among a myriad of other things that told you what you were doing was not consensual. Just because you were able to coercively get a ‘yes’ out of someone does not make it not rape.

Furthermore, accountability is a lot more than fucking coming out and saying you sexually assaulted someone. You call out rapists loudly and proudly on your blog, but when it was time to announce that you yourself are a rapist, you slyly posted it in a random answer to an ask that you got which had nothing to even do with you being a rapist. You posted it like nothing happened. Also, it’s great that your talking about working on your shit and that you at least told people you are an abuser but that means shit when your ‘accountability’ sounds a lot like victim blaming. While I absolutely do not doubt grrlyman’s former white partner was racist and this very negatively impacted her, that has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with her raping someone. Her accountability post sounded like “my partner was racist and it drove me to alcoholism which drove me to rape her”. That’s gross. Grrlyman’s former partner needs to be accountable for her racism. Grrlyman needs to be accountable for raping someone. It’s an abuser tactic to make abuse seem justified/ make themselves seem more accountable than they really are being and I’m not havin it. This shit is shady.


"I’m not using the word ‘stupid’ anymore because it’s ableist. Btw, I am a rapist."

everythingbutharleyquinn:

Rest of tumblr: OMG I love you so much!


Rape cw,

everythingbutharleyquinn:

straightallies:

Just a heads up

Tumblr blog violentqueers still reblogs posts from grrlyman, a rapist.
In violentqueer’s blog description they say that they don’t post anything that “promotes nonconsensual sexual violence”
Does that mean that they think sexual violence can be consensual? Doesn’t reblogging posts from a rapist, and acting as if they are an authority on social issues promote “nonconsensual sexual violence”?
I would stay away from them, and I am unfollowing them.

violentqueers is RUN by grrlyman.


tw rape

everythingbutharleyquinn:

All the radfems/otherwise transmisogynist bitches out there using the revelation of grrlyman being a rapist to downplay the seriousness of your transmisogynist attitudes and their DIRECT CORRELATION to violence against trans women (including RAPE): you are total pieces of worthless shit scum.

How the fuck DARE you use this situation to score points off of trans women and justify your fuckedness.

And pple who call themselves allies to trans women: can you please fucking CHECK who you are reblogging/liking shit on this subject from. It ain’t hard! It is pretty fuckn obvious transmisogynists are using this as an opportunity to excuse their behaviour and opinions!

It is totally possible to condemn grrlyman and the cult of personality surrounding her without chucking trans women under the bus!!!


tw rape

everythingbutharleyquinn:

image

missvoltairine replied to your post: “tw rape”:
i’m so afraid if I say anything radfems will latch on to it, and then I am also afraid of literal rapists, this whole thing is so sickening

likewise, but I was just in the tag and got so goddamn angry at exploitative radfems and their unscrupulous bullshit dressed up as concern trolling dressed up as defence of women. everything about the way this situation has played out is foul, from the manipulative, insincere performance of accountability to the radfems gleefully pouncing on it as somehow validating their abuse of trans women. 


everythingbutharleyquinn:

image

catsuitmonarchy replied to your post: “tw rape”:
I agree with this but I’m pretty sure grrlyman uses male pronouns and isn’t a trans woman.

grrlyman states clearly on her blog her pronouns are ‘she’. I had followed her for a long time (since right before she got top surgery in point of fact) before this and she announced several months ago that her preferred pronouns are female ones, along with an explanation about her identity journey.

I wasn’t going to bring this up cos it feels like further derailing from the fact she is a fucking rapist but everyone is misgendering her. please just use the right pronouns. she is dfab & non binary and uses female pronouns. could everyone please just check their shit. misgendering her doesn’t make her anymore of a rapist trying to dodge responsibility whilst performing accountability ok, really it doesn’t. 

grrlyman also has aligned herself strongly with trans women and compiled a master list of twerf bloggers that quickly became popular on tumblr. twerfs & other transmisogynists are now saying this list is invalid because grrlyman is a rapist and are making all sorts of noise about how being a twerf is nowhere near as bad as being a rapist and anyone who would hate on a twerf clearly supports rapists etc.


tw rape

everythingbutharleyquinn:

okay that’s really all I’m willing to say on this. grrlyman and I have never been more than casual tumblr pals although I did offer her some advice and support a while back and she checked me on some (unintentional but nonetheless) racism I expressed and was very gracious about it. we haven’t interacted regularly in over a year but I still held her in high regard and cared generally about what was happening to and for her. I also liked and cared about her ex and when grrlyman revealed her ex’s racism had led her to becoming homeless, I was appalled and cut her ex off (as a point to note: grrlyman’s ex actually left tumblr completely at this time and has not returned. none of us knew she was dealing with the aftermath of being raped).

needless to say, I have ended what little relationship with grrlyman existed and I am furious and disgusted at her for what she did to her ex and the phony accountability she is pretending to go through. the support she is getting makes me ill and I cannot believe she is being so callous as to continue to blog about rape and consent and that more of her followers are not checking her on this. I do not believe she wants to be accountable at all and I am seriously disturbed that she concealed the fact she was a rapist at the time she was making appeals for support to tumblr. combined with her current conduct, I cannot help but feel she is deeply calculating, not at all remorseful and has no true investment in survivor-safe spaces. I am also sick to death of the excuses people make for rapists and that we allow rapists to make excuses for themselves.

okay that’s it, I don’t want to write about this anymore.


everythingbutharleyquinn:

way back when this happened, I wanted to write a follow up post to it and then I didn’t have the energy and I put it off and put it off and put it off and of course now she has deleted the OP and it’s probably a bit beside the point now…

… plus there is really no easy way to talk about the fact that there are plenty of nice, good men invested in mutually pleasurable sexual relationships with their partners who don’t give a fuck when it comes to the hookers they see.

That men who might be respectful and attentive to women they consider human can be entirely different people with sex workers.

Last week I nearly made a post about how SICK I am, utterly, violently SICK, of trying to move a man’s hand or head from a certain part of my body… gently, then forcefully… only for him to RESIST with everything he has. 

How I can be giving an absolutely indisputable cue that I want him to cease what he’s doing and he will not only ignore it, but DEFY it.

It happens when I need stimulation to stop for many reasons. But often times this happens after I’ve faked an orgasm and in keeping with giving an authentic performance, I’m indicating I’m ‘too sensitive’ for further stimulation. It is … beyond all comprehension to me that he’s ostensibly involved in getting me off - in my pleasure - but cannot just stop when I want him too.

And the crux of my wanting to talk about this in context with the bullshit line of the OP linked above, was that the men who do this sorta thing - and many other gross, violating things - are entirely ordinary, every day kinda guys, decent guys, guys who otherwise, in their personal lives, “are looking for a sexual relationship based on mutual affection and mutual pleasure.”

When it comes to men who see sex workers, every woman is quick to say “no man I know”.

Well, sorry to break it to you, but: EVERY man you know.

Yes, every man you know. Fuckn sit with that a while and deal with it.

EVERY man you know has utilised sex industry services in some capacity. That’s reality. 

The men who come to see sex workers and then enact behaviour that is violating, predatory, manipulative and non-consensual spanning the very subtle to the very overt are not some obscure sub-species of man, some deviant breed you would never encounter. They are just regular guys who have been raised to view sex workers as less than the other women in their lives.

If you cannot comprehend that even “good”, “decent” men will and DO treat different groups of women differently dependent on their social status, then please spare the world your raphsodising on their objective sexually beneficient virtues. 

The biggest reason of course that I put this post off for so long was because there’s also almost no way to talk about this that won’t result in some assholes piggybacking on it for their own whorephobic agendas by claiming it’s proof that sex work is inherently violent and oppressive and the downfall of all women everywhere and I wasn’t really ready to deal with the responsibility that comes with these subjects which is actually bullshit because in feminist discourse we should be able to talk about male violence and sexual assault in different contexts - and most especially of our own experience of it - without being appointed the sole representative and any little thing we say as fully comprehensive (which it isn’t) of a vast and complex topic, but which always happens to marginalised women, even by other women who know what it’s like and know that it’s wrong.

This, of course, is not the only objections I and others had to this piece of shit post; several other survivors spoke up wrt more general contexts, but I did want to say something specifically addressing sex work because it’s not a perspective basically anyone involved would consider or give any credence to. Hell, she responded to the objections (by survivors) with contempt, mockery or just ignoring them altogether (which remains par for the course), so…! 

I mean, this post is radically incomplete, it doesn’t have even half of what I planned (and you know I didn’t make that post the other day cos I don’t LIKE putting this stuff out there actually, I can get personal only to a degree) but I don’t have the energy for it rn and I’m really burnt out of the burden of responsibility that comes with saying anything about sex work lest some fuckknuckle twist it but the thing is I STILL regularly think about that post and how bad it was and it still bugs me. SO.


missvoltairine:

I feel like labeling kaitlyn as one of AJ’s exes is really empowering because  people don’t realize often how much toxic friendships can groom you for abuse and fuck you up

ex friends can be just as significant as ex partners

see also: cat’s eye

and with that I just created the intersection of wrestling and margaret atwood, you’re welcome


WE MAKE OUR OWN KARMA!!!

everythingbutharleyquinn:

pillowprincessss:

In a just universe, my enemies would drop dead. In this unjust one, I must settle for giving them one star reviews on cracker repeatedly in two browsers XD XD XD.

say what you like about me, I have never - and will never - stooped to the low of trying to mess with another sex worker’s business and livelihood.

Sex workers: this is what happens when you trust pillowprincessss/trashprincesss with information about your working identity. If she doesn’t repeatedly violate work/personal boundaries, threaten to out you and drag you through the courts, or just outright out you, then she attempts to sabotage your income.

I know I’ll be far from alone when I say despite what personal animosity that may exist between two or more sex workers - there is no excuse for behaviour like this - these actions of hers are beyond reprehensible and signal her as deeply untrustworthy and malicious.

The next step is phony negative reviews.

This is seriously bottom of the barrel stuff.

If you think this is justifiable in any way, unfollow me now. :)


Melissa Fucking Farley thinks gang rape is funny…and it gets worse.

ananonymoussexworker:

If you are unfamiliar with Farley, she is behind most of the research that those who want to end sex work cite. In Farleyland all sex workers are victims of sexual assault, unable to consent, weak, poor creatures who need her to save them. Organisations like Rape Crises Scotland, Object and Rhuma use her stats, the #annawas14 campaign revolves around them. The call for the End Demand model to be introduced in Scotland and Northern Ireland is based on her belief that prostitution is rape.

Her research may suck, her stats so invalid the Canadian courts threw them out as evidence, but being the person I am, I believed she was at least someone who believed she was trying to do the right thing. Misguided and wrong yes, but at least she wanted fewer sex workers raped and murdered. Yeah, I can be a naive fucker at times, because today I read this. The page is real, the whole site reeks of woman-hating and whorephobia, but this piece, deemed “satire”, shows more clearly than anything I have ever read as the ugly truth. Those who support the end of sex work do so because they actually look down on other women, they despise non-mainstream choices and see sex workers as dirty and unworthy. So lets look at this piece of biting satire that makes Caitlan Moran look like Stewart Lee at his best.

"I became a prostitute because…1. I saw Pretty Baby and it reminded me of my stepfather and I thought I could get paid for it."
Yes, you read that right, it’s a joke about incest-rape.

"2. I saw Pretty Woman and I liked the clothes."

All sex workers are shallow, and stupid.

"3. I saw a Demi Moore movie and I thought, Wow, what an easy and fun way to make a million dollars."

See above.

"4. I like getting fucked by the football team, the fraternity brothers, and law students at graduation parties. I realized that gang rape could be a transcendental experience.”

Just holy fuck! A joke about gang rape, Not just that but a slut shaming joke about gang rape as apparently there is no difference between liking getting fucked and being raped. Of course when you believe sex work is rape you don’t really see consent as important.

"5. I figured that laying on my back and getting fucked by hundreds of men and getting on my knees and sucking thousands of dicks was the most profound empowerment a woman could have."

So much I could say, but I’m struck by just how limited Farley’s idea of sex is, I could almost feel sorry for the evil woman-hating bitch.

"6. My vocational counselor and I discussed a whole lot of possibilities: doctor, lawyer, women’s-studies teacher, legal secretary. I was offered a four-year scholarship at Stanford, but frankly, prostitution seemed the most rewarding job option available."

Which of course is wrong, because, well I wish Farley would explain to me the because here. An intelligent woman looks at all the jobs available and chooses sex work. Only in a world where a woman’s right to choose didn’t matter would that be something to take the piss out of.

"7. I worship the goddess and she told me, “Fuck mankind.” I misunderstood her spiritual message and found myself in lifetime sexual servitude instead."

Ohhh paganism is just so amusing, and of course pagans are figures of fun whose spirituality should be ridiculed.

"8. I came to appreciate the depth of Hugh Hefner’s, Larry Flynt’s, and Bob Guccione’s understanding of my sexuality."

They seem to understand sexuality a lot better than you!

"9. My boyfriend wanted me to do it. He said that being part of a stable of whores who worked for him could help me learn how to get along with other women."

Yeah, lets laugh at victims of domestic violence

"10. My father wanted me to do it."

And those sexually abused by their parents, I mean that is just hilarious, my sides are splitting.

"11. I met a nice man on alt.sex.prostitution."

This of course could be the case. Only in Farleyland is it impossible to meet nice clients.

"12. Camille Paglia told me it was the feminist thing to do."

Again, all sex workers are stupid and influenced by anything they see, unlike the inhabitants of Farleyland.

"13. I felt coerced by my landlord, the day-care center, the utility companies, the grocer, my dealer and my plastic surgeons to pay my bills every month."

Damn capitalism, making people work!

"14. I didn’t want to work at Red Lobster."

See above

"15. I wanted to be treated like a lady."

Not exactly sure why this is even here, its almost as if they are admitting clients can treat sex workers with respect, surely not!

"16. I went to COYOTE’s Halloween extravaganza, the Hookers’ Ball, and found out just how glamorous prostitution could be."

Woo-hoo! Oh, I forgot it’s satire, yeah, glamour is wrong, wanting glamour is wrong, women choosing for themselves is wrong.

"17. It’s complicated, but I thought that working in the sex industry would increase my self-esteem. It’s sort of like saying to the world, “I am the best Grade A ground beef” and being the cow."

WTF! Sex workers are mice or cows…or both.

"18. And then, ya know, even though it all sounded really good, and selling fucks and blow jobs sounded really empowering, I realized that talking about it and writing books defending it would be even more empowering."

Ahh, the real reason for the hatred of people like Dr. Maganant and Maggie Mac. The real reason people block me and accuse me of bullying. How dare we have voices and want them listened to. Melissa Farley and the rescue industry makes a fortune from their lies and moral panics. But the real problem is bloggers and writers who dare to challenge them.


“It takes a village to create a prostitute.”

There is a good take down of this post here, which includes a look at Farley’s co author Nikki CraftThe organisation set up by Farley, the prostitution and research project site is here.They clearly endorse this page and support its attitudes to women. You can always tell them if you think misogyny, rape culture, and whorephobia are problematic. Like all zealots though I doubt they will listen. They can be fought though by adding your voice to those who oppose the End demand model and  instead support sex workers rights. If you support end demand, remember you stand with Farley. The International Union Of Sex Workers has a list of various complaints about Farley and her methods on their site.

everythingbutharleyquinn:

I do not believe in accountability processes.

I do not believe in mediation processes.

I do not believe in resolution processes.

I would like to.

But all I have ever seen of them in action is the sacrifice of victims’ needs in favour of ‘fairness’ towards perps.

And that shit can get fucked.


everythingbutharleyquinn:

to explain that previous post a bit more: this morning it emerged another sex worker had been publicly outed without their consent.

when this was raised with a group of community leaders, they began debating whether the intent of the outer was malicious or not. 

rather than… you know… consider at all how the sex worker who had been outed felt. which didn’t come into the conversation at all somehow.

nice work, guys!


everythingbutharleyquinn:

rgr-pop:

When you’re involved in abusive situations that incorporate large friend groups probably everyone is going to be terrible but at the same time I would advice future trauma babies in these scenarios that a lot of times people really aren’t paying attention and people really don’t know everything and people really are oblivious and many many times if you are like “hey, this person did this, that’s what happened” your friend or acquaintance will be like “wow” and be at least a tiny bit supportive of you, at least in the basic not-that-helpful way. Everything is terrible always but sometimes we are more paranoid than we should be. I believe that, at least like .1% of the time, but I still think it’s shitty that it has to be your responsibility to make that move, and I still am not convinced most friendship relationships are worth the labor and emotional capital and maintenance they require of survivors of trauma.

And people who drag shit out for years and years and wait for you to tell them explicitly what happened before they disengage with people that are pretty obviously terrible, people who force you to spell it out for them, people who inundate you with “did I do something wrong? are we in a fight? tell me exactly what I’m doing wrong,” these people pretty much always know what they are doing wrong and who they are friends with and are just making excuses. Pretty much always. I believe that.

And while I don’t think there’s really any better way to communicate, I am also largely suspicious of people who say “hey is it okay with you if I am still friends with x because if not that’s fine it’s cool.” I mean, I’m not saying there’s any better way to go about that, but like what the hell am I gonna say? There’s almost no way that a person in a traumatic situation can “consent” “freely” in that case and I feel like that’s pretty obvious.

team cutting off people who stay friends with abusers for life!

I’m so militant about this and I know some people think I’m a cold-hearted bitch for it but fuck it, I remember how it felt to watch people I thought were my friends fucking fence straddle over people who abused me (some STILL fence straddle and I’m so fucking bitter and angry about this STILL), FFS, I’ve been assaulted by people in community that I’ve never gone full public on cos they have too much social currency for it to be anything other than painful and pointless for me, if the least I can do for a survivor is cut off people who won’t take a strong opposing stance to their abusers, then I’ll be a cold-hearted bitch cunt from hell for ever.


TW: rape, child abuse, sexual trauma

Would it be wrong of me to want to specifically get into the humiliation/domination of men kind of sex work as a way of healing from my own sexual trauma as a child? Taking back and reclaiming my right to be a strong, in control, sexual woman feels like the best possible thing I could do to aid in my recovery. It would be the only fetish I’d do and only to men who want it. My trauma is just telling me that this sounds wrong and I kind of need help sorting it out.

” —

From a Reader of the Site.

It’s not wrong to use sex work to reclaim yourself and recover from the traumas of your past. But, it sounds like it might be wrong for you. Like: it makes sense to you intellectually, but not emotionally?

Personally, I think you should listen to your gut.

But, this is also a thing you can look into. Get involved in your local kink scene, if there’s one where you live (and you might be surprised!). Sign up with websites for kinky socialization. Attend munches and talk to dommes; go to a play party and see what it’s like. You don’t have to play, just see whether you can really imagine yourself in the role.

If you can, introduce yourself to pro-dommes and, politely, see if any of them would be willing to talk to you about their work. (Remember not to expect their free time and be prepared to compensate them, or offer something in return!)

And: read about it. Plenty of pro-dommes have written books!

And while you’re doing this? Keep listening to your gut. If you’re uncomfortable? You’re uncomfortable. Sex work can be a way to sort out trauma, but it’s not the only way for you to feel like a strong, in control, sexual woman.

Love and healing,
SW5

(via sexworkerproblems)

Though I have a major problem with the way swp hands out advice in such an empirical fashion, I think this advice is fairly sound.

Mainly because sex work is not what you think it’s gonna be, babe.

Sex work is about catering to the desires and needs of men.

NOT YOURS.

NOT EVER.

By coincidence you may do bookings that satisfy your needs now and then BUT IT WILL NOT BE BY DESIGN.

Sex work is A CUSTOMER SERVICE PROFESSION.

From my perspective and experience this FACT sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster if you want to pro-domme to heal from sexual trauma. 

I have known sex workers who found work helped them heal from such.

However they didn’t start sex work with that intention or objective in mind.

You cannot know how you will react to sex work until you start doing it.

Going into it thinking it will be healing cos you’ll reclaim your assertiveness and power only to discover just how much you have to pander to the whims of entitled men in the interests of actually making money and getting repeat business might be a helluva shock.

It takes a long time to become an experienced and skilled and reputable enough Domme that you can even become more selective about the services you offer too.

Ultimately I agree that you should be listening to your gut feeling.

There’s no reason you can’t persue recreational kink to aid your recovery. 

(via everythingbutharleyquinn)